Travelers are a classy bunch, we expect to rock up in a new country completely broke and then resume life as if we were at home. Find a McDonalds on the corner, chase English speaking girlfriends, and then when you leave reminisce all about how different Korea was. I’m no different. I arrived so broke that I had taken to regularly raping my credit card of its last dollars of decency. On top of that, having traveled for 4 months prior to getting here I was desperate to go headlong into a proper dating scene for the first time in… well 4 months. My dating requirements have always been simple, I’m looking for a girl who is: Intelligent; funny; good looking; and who has really bad taste in men (i.e. would consider dating me even after they have sobered up). That being said despite talking the talk, I’m not actually a playboy and given a choice I would prefer to end up in a relationship that resembles some kind of stability with someone whom I could ‘share life experiences with’ (oh my God, I sound like I’ve turned female). So anyway to cut a long story short, on my first weekend here I went out; met a nice girl, got into an argument with the same nice girl, then somehow walked away with her phone number! I have no idea how it happened, or even what she saw in me (apart from the blue eyes, I’ve always felt good about my blue eyes), but before I even got a mobile phone I got a number to call. Despite the cool façade I can present in public I actually get very excited when someone new shows an interest in me. She’s Korean, speaks English well, is mildly successful in her career, is intelligent, has a good sense of humor, and best of all I think she might actually be silly enough to like me (although I do always say that the only women I don’t trust are the ones who express an interest). The next day I tentatively rounded up several kilograms worth of 100won coins and made the call from one of Korea’s few surviving pay phones (so far I have noticed the only working ones remaining are in subway stations and hostels like mine). Clinking in the coins I am even more satisfied that she doesn’t hang up after I’ve announced my name. She agrees to a date, but then horror strikes: ‘can she bring her friends?!’ “Er, how many?” I nervously ask. “Just a couple, and you should bring a couple of guys to match. Its more fun to meet as group”. “But I hoped we could go out on kind of a date”? I asked trying to reaffirm my intentions. “It is, but it’s more fun this way”. And with that I was thrust into my first foray into Korean style group dating. For the average Korean this might not be a big deal, in fact it might even be normal, but let’s explain this from a Westerners perspective. In England (where I’m from), dates are usually conducted one on one. Where are by chance at a date, you had better hope to impress because all friends carry a veto on whether your date should actually bother dating you. Unfortunately it’s almost unheard of for friends to ever force your date to date you because you’re such a good guy. This basically means that at best if your date’s friends are present they will not f#ck it up for you. At worst, for no fault of any connection between you and your date they might put a sorry end to the whole fledgling relationship. For this reason, any sensible Western man’s fear factor of a date is magnified by just how many women will be on the opposing panel. For my date there were going to be 3 women so I needed to round up 2 other men to take some of the pressure off me. In a country I have lived in for more than 3 days this might not be a problem, but in fact I was left desperately trying to cajole passing travelers into supporting my effort. One slightly alcoholic, but reasonably charming Serbian guy offered his support so we headed into battle outnumbered 3 to 2 (for some men this is a fantasy, but others are more realistic about what happens when there aren’t enough guys to distract all the women). The date itself was more relaxed than I imagined. It was as much like a group of friends hanging out together as it was a date. We followed a traditional Korean pattern of a meal; a Noraebang (Korean karaoke); and then a bar. As the night wore on I started to realize just how traditional my love interest was. At every venue there was a clear expectation for myself and Phil (the Serbian) to pay for the 5 of us. I didn’t mind for the meal expecting there to be a return at the next place, but by the final bar we were 50,000 Won out of pocket each, and still unaware as to whether the girls even bothered to bring money with them. Usually I would not so vehemently object to paying, especially in Korea where nights out are relatively cheap, but my friend was a skint traveler and I was still trying to get my first job. Whether we like paying or not we were now caught with 10,000 Won between us and our credit cards were back at our hotels. I suggested to the girls that it might be their turn to pay, but this didn’t even register with them as a real concern as they laughed it off with a “you don’t really expect the girls to pay do you?” comment. To me, I considered us as skint globetrotters and them as clawing their way up the ranks of the music industry, I didn’t see it as entirely unreasonable for us to expect them to buy one of their own drinks. My biggest regret was not making my case more clearly. I admit that given the language barrier and my embarrassment at being laughed at for suggesting I couldn’t pay, I probably didn’t make the situation clear enough. The girls kept ordering more rounds of tequila and glasses of wine, and me and Phil continued to abstain (and believe me I’ve never abstained from a beer by choice in my entire alcoholic life). I looked at the opulent surroundings in the bar and took them in: the imitation Arabic setting; the silk cushions and the lace curtains, it was all great. I couldn’t fault them for their choice of bar, but the fact was that I was more broke than the shareholders of Enron. I would like to say that I put my foot down and did the manly thing and faced up to the situation, but I didn’t, sometimes I’m crap like that and what I actually did was follow Phil on his next toilet visit. Before you get scared, this was merely a ploy to find somewhere private to talk and it is highly unusual for me to follow anyone to toilets (and I’ve already apologised for those lapses, I really did think that they had invited me). As I hassled Phil to know how much money he had I did have to explain to another patron that I was not mugging him and in fact we were friends (you try explaining that to someone who barely speaks English!!). “So what do we do?” I asked him expectantly. After all, these Serbian types are always clever, and he must have a solution. A devilish look came across his face as he indicated to the toilet window. We were out of there quicker than Osama Bin Laden leaves a mountain hideout. In our defence, whilst we’d consumed two bottles of beer between us, the girls had drunk 6 shots of Tequila and 3 glasses of wine between them. I was only thankful that Korean girls are not heavy drinkers (although a Western girl is far more likely to contribute a fairer share of the bill). I still feel bad about abandoning the girls, but ironically you could say that I was saving face (another important Korean cultural aspect). For those that believe in Karma, my dodgy exit did manage to put a massive rip across the seat of my jeans which resulted in me spending the whole journey back with a hand covering my arse. In fact the cost of a new pair of jeans means that financially I was probably worse off. I still feel bad about what I did, and in fact I have e-mailed offering to pay the bill when I get my first pay cheque, but have so far received no response (quite understandable that she never wants contact with me again). I have since sought advice about group dates from a Korean friend of mine and here’s what she said about group dates: In general terms there are two kinds of group dates, the more formal ones organised by parents of Koreans which resemble job interviews; and then the informal ones organised by friends. The important thing is that the informal group dates are very relaxed and more like a small singles dinner – DON’T BE NERVOUS! As a foreigner you will never be invited on a formal group date with parents involved etc…. so don’t worry about this. Group dates are quite a traditional way of dating and one that I’m told is decreasing in popularity with young Koreans, therefore if you are invited on one you should be prepared to meet girls with traditional Korean values (whether this is good or bad is down to your personal taste, but consider that it may require paying the bill often) Although referred to as dates, the informal ones are basically an arranged way of meeting potential partners. It is expected that all attendees will be compatible and get on, it is not expected that all attendees will find a partner from every group date; it is often a good way to meet new friends Whilst who pays may vary each time, usually it will be rotated for a rough measure of fairness, and it would be polite for the men to collect the first bill – You would be extremely unlucky to end up paying like I did! Group dates are usually organised by a guy and a girl, and it is common for the organisers not to actually go on the date themselves Traditionally the organisers are meant to follow up and find out what the participants thought (and presumably push along any love matches) Attendees will often blame the organisers for a bad group date For the above reason many Koreans don’t actually like organising group dates Yours, still searching for love, Guy Smith guy_smith_travelling@yahoo.co.uk Back to Tales from the Edge main menu